22 July 2012

The Rise of the Brofessor: A Totally True Trend That Is Not Linkbait At All

Among the very stupidest things the world has had to cope with this year was the fake outrage over the fake trend of the brogrammer. Three things must be said: (1) The trend doesn't exist, (2) No, it really doesn't, and (3) When I first heard about brogramming via my ideologically correct pro-woman RSS feeds, my initial, instinctive reaction was Awesome. I am going to pop my collar and code the shit out of some data.

That being said, I would also like to get a lot of traffic to this blog, and so I want to direct the attention of pro-feminist blogs like Jezebel and Gawker and kneejerk reactionary blogs like NRO's The Corner to this Totally True Trend Story: The rise of the brofessor.

Yes, brofessors are all around. Many of them go kegging on the weekends, where they chant their slogan "WORK HARD CITE HARD." Others can be seen participating in extreme sessions of the faculty Senate, where they arrive in togas and harass the guys from the Physics department by pretending to knife them in the back. Still more can be seen getting rejected by the women of the women's studies department, all of whom are lesbians, according to many brofessors.

After a brofessor has written a book and published three journal articles, he can apply for "T&A," "Tenure and Ascension." Tenure brings one part of the brofessor's life to a close, as he leaves the assistant prof house for an off-campus apartment, but as all brofessors know, chicks dig a man with the big T. And beyond tenure, some faculty soon seek to be promoted to Full Brofessor, at which point the party never stops. Some have even suggested that the level of Distinguished Brofessor allows them to unlock new achievements, such as the combination of "sextra credit" and "team teaching."

Anyway. Totally true. Contact me or my handy list of scholar-brothers, all of whom have the talking points needed to fill out your profile in (in order of our preference) the New York Times Sunday Style section, GQ, Esquire, the Saturday Wall Street Journal Personal Journal section, the Los Angeles Times Sunday magazine, Parade, or the New York Times Thursday Style section.

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